Monday, 8 June 2015

Will I Ever Be ENOUGH?

Sometimes it's not even about people, but myself.
I have moments of panic as each birthday approaches or I see a post about someone who has achieved something and my heart just drops!
I mean, here I am, a young vibrant and beautiful young lady who has been blessed with truckloads of talent and potential, yet I feel stuck! 

I have a lot of things that I want to venture in, but for some reason I can't seem to figure out where to start. I have a paralysing fear of starting something and only have it fail.

I have a great support system in place, beautiful people in my life who believe in me and obviously a handful of those who would kill to see me amount to nothing.

I am incomplete. Things never seem to go my way, or if they do they don't last. Now do you see how easy it is for me to see myself as the weak link causing the dominos to fall right in front of me?
Everything is tied to something, good or bad all the past events in my life have lead me to this point. I have been through so much in terms of love (or the lack of), family, friends and career. But don't get me wrong, I am not a victim, I am way too proud to be known as such.
I have fallen prey to so many men and their empty promises. I’ve been addicted to so many things that felt good in the moment and gave me some temporary satisfaction.

Why can’t I be the main girl in someone's life, why can’t I be the favourite grandchild? Why do I find out about trips on Facebook after the pictures have been uploaded?
Do you think I enjoy being the friend who always needs to be edited into someone's budget? Do you think I like not being able to buy my mom and grandmother a mother’s day present or the older sister who cannot afford to take her siblings out for a movie and ice-cream???????? 

Honestly I think my problems started when I created soul ties with emotionally unavailable men.

A soul tie is like a linkage in the soul realm between two people. It links their souls together, which can bring forth beneficial results and negative results, But in my case it is negative. Soul ties formed from sex outside of marriage causes a person to become defiled. This is why it is so common for a person to still have 'feelings' towards an ex-lover that they have no right to be attracted to in that way.

Four Indicators of Wrong Soul Ties
1. “I feel so confused.”
2. “I'm just miserable.”
3. “My mind is tormented.” 
4. “I didn't mean to disobey God…on purpose.”
If you feel like you have been dealing with a situation for far too long and nothing seems to help you get beyond it, remember this phrase: God will not advance your instructions beyond your last act of disobedience.

"Queen, you have Great Work to do. You have an assignment and you have people assigned to you. But until you commit to yourself, you cannot commit to them. Until you begin to focus on your own development, you can’t begin to do your Great Work in the world. “The Queen Code
I am old enough to know right from wrong, but I am just so sick and tired of doing what is right more so when it hasn't gotten me anywhere near where I want to be. I can’t seem to get a good man being myself so what must I do?? Be someone else and introduce the real me after the walk down the aisle?
Should I ignore my friends till I get a better job to afford to make payment to hang out with them?
Should I go as far as not visiting my grandparents till I have saved up enough money to renovate their kitchen? Tell me, someone, ANY DAM ONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

Please just tell me what to do, because I have knelt down before my father God and pleaded that he answers my prayers. Its either I am to messed up to hear his responses or he himself has given upon me. For pits sake even I am at the brink of giving up on me! 
But you know what?? I won’t do it, I refuse to give up.
So what if all the men in my life did not deem me worthy of sticking around for?
So what if the love I get is conditioned? HEK, so what if the only thing i have is my love for tobacco, music, fashion and writing. It's better than nothing. 
My life could be worse, I could be living under a bridge with mouldy bread to fill my empty soul and a skin infection to cloth me from the cold.

Now, with that said, 
Dear God if you hear me, please help me help myself and those around me. Show me a way to make proper use of the talents and opportunities you have given me. I may get lost, I might want to give up, but please put people in my life who will grab me by my weave and put me in the right direction. May I walk in your righteousness for righteousness is not my own, and forgive me if this prayer sounds the same to the last one I sent you. I am just impatiently awaiting your response


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