Tuesday, 9 June 2015

IF I COULD I WOULD...(part2)

Okay, so after a few weeks of not hearing from KTM, I decided to call him today. The rate of my heartbeat was fast enough to have me thinking i was going under cardiac arrest. The phone rang a few times before he picked up, then i heard his voice unsuspectingly greet me. I paused for a while in attempt to calm my nerves down before responding to his greeting. He recognised my voice and said "Tshogs" the pet name he uses to address me, but the tone in which he said it resembled relief, comfort and even peace. I then went to asking him how he was and he told me, then we carried on talking till my heart dropped when he asked me"what is the reasoning for your call" i was so shocked and for a minute went into dumb mode as i did not know how to respond to this.

"I just wanted to see how you are doing, cause the last time i saw you you were driving off from my house". He asked me why did I wait so long before calling him, and that his been contemplating seeing me again to discuss what had happened. He assured me that he is over the events that transpired and that his not one to hold a grudge.

In the back of my head I am asking myself, why didn't he call me seeing as his been waiting for my call.

He then told me that he received the email I sent him. incase you are wondering about the content of that email i suggest you read the post titled "IF I COULD I WOULD", yup i sent it to him. He commended me on how brave I am for sending him that and being so honest and further more went on to say how much of a talented writer I am.

Like WTF????????????????REALLY GUY?? That is far from the response i wanted, but oh well it is what it is. He apologised for not replying as he wanted to meet with me and discuss this in person, not only the email but the events leading upto it.

I told him that I did not write and send him that letter for him to respond so I am coll even if he doesn't respond to it, because in my heart I know that i cannot survive a face to face rejection.
Reason I say rejection is because he said that he is fine with the way things are and that he wants us to just move on forward from this point. Am I crazy or does that not sound like the symptoms of rejection to you, Hmmmmm???

See now, the part that pisses me off is that even after the phone conversation with him, I am still confused as to what is to become of us? Did he make it clear? Is it my fault for hanging before i could demand clarity? Should I wait that one day he will realise that It has been me all along??? WHAT MUST I DO??

I honestly do not know when I will see or even speak to him again, I think I need a distraction from this situation I am in with him, or I am in because of him. You must be confused just reading this hey? lol,

You know what, let me just stop it here. I swear i'm getting light headed just typing about it.
I put my feelings and thoughts into the universe, now I am just going to try and RELAX, LIVE LIFE, LAUGH and LOVE like my heart has never been hurt by Love.

Who am I kidding?? A second wont go by without me thinking of him #

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