Thursday, 4 June 2015

I Know My Worth

See the thing about me is that I am a great woman. When I find the one love other than God that reigns supreme in my life that it will mean more than a paper document any court can write up. Yes sometimes I am annoyingly nit-picky, but he who is mine will just know that my perfection is a virtue, not a sin. I share myself carefully and only with a select few. The little things mean a lot to me, so he wouldn’t have to try too hard, but bear in mind that I will not play coaster to a half empty heart or waste my worth on a man that has a divided heart.
I will nurse him back to health when he is sick, make our bed every morning, I will dress neatly and make sure he doesn’t leave the house with his collar undone, I will never embarrass him, and I will carry an intelligent conversation and expect him to understand the days when I talk nonsense and don’t feel like Adulting. 

I promise I won't throw out emotional scenes in public or spend his money unwisely unless he gives me his credit card with no limit lol.
My yearning has me searching for the true meaning of love so that I don’t miss it when it comes. I know my worth and I will wait for that man, not a perfect man but a man after my own heart, a kind soul with the purest of intentions, someone who wants to begin to grow new whilst the ground is still fertile.

I just want a man who will know that if I give him windows to my walls, we’ve got a shot and that he will find that window sufficient enough to enter and reside in my heart.
It is just unfortunate that I haven’t had luck in this love ‘thing’, I always find myself in the arms of men who do not truly love me, they care for me yes, but just as they would for any girl they have in their lives. I have moments of panic when I wonder if my prince charming will ever find me or decide to settle for a more put together, less complicated princess. It hurts me knowing that my relationships never seem to work out, because as crazy as this might sound, sometimes I enter a deep state of doubt where I temporarily reside and ask myself whether their reasons for leaving where due to something I did wrong, or that I am not as great as I got myself to believe. 
Sometimes I am even tempted to engage in a relationship that is fleeting, only to not feel alone but to enjoy the warmth of a man I so deeply crave, but even that is not enough cause the chances of that man wanting to have meaningless sex with me as opposed to just holding me in his arms and falling asleep are zero to nun. Because I want a man who will cuddle with me, and if I fall asleep in his arms and he feels as though I belong there, he will not wake me, but whisper in my ear “I love you”.
As much as I am willing to wait, a part of me hopes it is not a long wait for I fear that the wait will get me questioning my morals and get me indulging in the ungodly pleasures listed in my soul as an attempt to fill this void I have that only true love can fill. I mean, why continue being as I am when clearly it hasn’t gotten me the love I so much deserve?

It’s crazy isn’t it? How the lack of just one thing can cause you to question a million other things you believe without a shadow of a doubt. I must say though how proud I am of myself for doubting my doubts, and that it is because deep down I know my worth but sometimes I just get so frustrated at how I can’t get that one thing I need the most.
Father God, I come to you whole heartedly, I come before you realizing that You know my thoughts, and even as I lift my prayer and praise before thee this very second, I am known of You. I thank You for forgiving my fleshly iniquity and my transgressions, for I know sin is designed to destroy, so I must capture my thoughts and align myself with Your Word to be the light you have called me to be. I praise you this day for your awesomeness, your omnipotence, your kindness, and your mercy and for the grace of which you have allowed my existence. I pray that you give me strength and patience above what I have now. Keep me intact and continue to mould me into your likeness until the time comes that you present me with the partner you see deserving of me. I pray that you do not make me lose sight of what I’m doing it for, do not let me waste my life away no matter how hard this journey will be on me. 
In the name of the father, the holy spirit and the all mighty Omega I pray..
I guess all I have to do now is wait upon the Lord and trust that if it is not here by now, it must be because I am not ready for it. I will trust that whoever strays from my path doesn’t not belong there and that they just not meant to be in my future.
One thing I know for sure is that someone out there is looking for exactly what I am, and will never try and undercut my value or question my worth, because ten years from now, I want to say that I CHOSE my life and that I didn’t settle for it.

“Love shouldn’t require Windex to be clear. It either is or it isn’t.”

The single woman


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