IF I COULD I WOULD...

When I met you I wasn't planning to love. I wasn't even looking for a new best friend. You changed all that. The attraction was unexpected. You came into my world and turned it upside down. Our timing was lousy, but the connection was impossible to ignore. Our logical minds attempted to take control, but never had a chance. You were the first person that I showed the 'real' me to, and you appreciated me for me. In the short time we were together, you found out more about me than I had ever let anyone else know. We shared so much, yet there is still so much to learn. I know so much about you, and then again, so little. I always assumed that we'd have more time.

My world is spinning; I can feel defeat, why can't I sleep? Why does my throat close whenever you speak? My heart breaks not to be around you. I take in the way you move, the way you talk, and the way you smell whenever you are around. I have images of you in my head. I want you so badly! This tension, it kills me. I hate how things ended the last time I saw you. My heart is breaking knowing that I’ve made you feel a particular way about me. I Usually I don’t give a toss as to what people think about me, but because I care so much for you I care.

You have taken up residence in my mind. I want so badly for you to tell me everything I want to hear but you won't. I want you to tell me that you want me, but you won't. Every time I think of you I can feel the butterflies fluttering inside me. You don't notice me or the way I look at you; maybe it's 'cause you only see me as a friend and nothing more, but when I look at you, nothing could turn my eyes away no matter how pissed you are at me.

The messed up thing about this is that I got that mark on my neck as a result of someone’s playfulness during a hug I gave them. I don’t have to explain myself to you but my pride won’t let me give up and honestly neither will my heart. After I saw the look on your face as a result of “he”, I texted him telling him to cut all contact with me. The reason I did that is because I realised that I want you and no one else. I almost settled! Call it temporary insanity but I am speaking up now and pleading the 5^th.

The way you spoke to me hurt, you made it seem as though I cheated, you went as far as to question my character. A part of me gets why yet the other part is frustrated that you don’t see how we got to this.

A part of me feels maybe you were supposed to see the mark and pay attention to what you feel at the thought of me being with someone else either than you but don’t get me wrong, I did not plan this. Now as much as you found it so easy to crucify me because of it, did you ever stop to see the role you played in this? Remember Karabo, we are all interdependent parts and there are reactions to stimuli’s.

Time and time again you put me in my place by constantly reminding me that you do not want to be in a relationship, where as you knew how strongly I felt about you. A part of me feels kari if I really move on with anyone that is not you I will be settling. Some of them sound so good on paper, but the reality is none of them are you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

My name sounds better coming from your mouth, my smile is bigger when im with you. You look at me and I am reminded that God does believe in second chances. You may not want to hear this but neete ke gore I Love You.

K T M, with God as my witness I Love You.

I will never regret having met you and falling in love with you. If nothing else, I am glad that I made your last 5 months (mostly) happy. I would have preferred to make you last 30 years happy, but you had a time-bomb in your head. I ache, I hurt, I cry, but I will never regret my time with you.

Unexpected devastation is the only way to explain Friday. I miss you immensely. How could I not? In such a short time, you became a key component in my life.

I love your simplicity, warmth, passion, generous spirit, morals, and stubbornness. My feelings for you are in proportion to my faith and now that your perception of me is tainted by circumstance and your reluctance to own up to the potential of you loosing me, although you never had me. And it pains me.

I can already just see you freak out as you read that haha but hey, its high time I put all my cards on the table. But on the real Nono, I believe that having met you and you having the name that you do isn’t a coincidence. You are enough for me as you are, and wouldn’t change even a small follicle on your head. Because my feelings for you are not conditioned.

I tried so hard to have fun with my friends on Saturday, but I couldn’t. I thought of you every second from Friday when you left till now at 7:32am as I am typing this letter. The content enclosed on these white pages is to simply tell you where I stand. I don’t know if you want to talk or see me again, and I won’t force you. I am only asking that you find reason in this letter.

It either you want to be with me or you don’t. But you can’t act like you did where as you don’t want to couple up with me, clear lines must be drawn. I am not in a good space because I don’t want you to question the person I am, and you please stop being so stubborn and consumed by your past hurt and be reminded that no two people are alike. There is one you and there is one me. Not perfect, but trying and willing.

I spent a good half hour of my time, praying that I haven’t lost you. I pray that love once again resides in your heart.

I don’t know what you want to do about us, but please remember that we are not perfect. Try to understand before casting stones and sometimes I do think gore o’bari ntwana! *hides* for letting things get so misconstrued makgareng aka le wena. But then again I also suffer from being stupid nyana and for even typing this letter to you and for having faith in us.

But you know what???????????

I can’t help it, when all I want is you.

The beautiful stubborn confusion that is you.

So if I meant something to you or if you want me in or out of your life for good, then please kindly tell me. It is going to hurt because already the thought of no more you is equivalent to the burn wounds of a wild fire, although I’ve known you for a few months.

My ever so Moral Special K…………..My Grass’thang….

Ke tsholofetsa hore dinto di tla looka.

I miss you and cant bare not speaking or seeing you again.

I hope you don’t use the feelings I have for you against me. I don’t deserve it. Don’t nail me to the cross nor condemn me.

All I ask is that you open up and speak kindly to me.

The confusion must stop so possibility and certainties can begin.

                                     Because if I could I would grow a new start with you.