Tuesday, 27 October 2015

Alone in my Feelings

Dear Lord, please save me from weak game. AMEN!

I still can't seem to wrap my head around the concept of love turning into contempt, resentment and further more hatred. How is it that one can go from loving someone and centring them around their universe quickly turn to a loyal person feeling unsure of themselves and their position in the life of whom they love? 
I am writing this with a nervous feeling in the pit of my stomach, it feels as though butterflies are taking their last flatters before they die. 

I have the most severe case of anxiety every time i think of him and how things went left so quickly! I am literally sick! The sad part of all of this is that i know that this relationship is not healthy, in every possible meaning of the word, yet I can't seem to get my legs to leave it all behind because a part of me wants to try salvage what is left of it so i can leave knowing that i have exhausted every way of trying to heal what is broken between us. I know i deserve better and that there is better, yet i want him to be what is best for me. Foolish much? you know what, no need to answer that.

If the wrong man was honest,
This is what he would say to me:

"The reason why I talk down to you and belittle you is because I’m emotionally insecure and broken. I know you deserve better than me and I’m afraid that one day you’ll realize this and leave me.
I’ll never meet your standards so I’ll continue to beat you down mentally and emotionally in hopes that I can break you down to my level. Then you’ll believe you can’t do no better.Even when I treat you wrong and you finally get up the courage to leave, your new insecurities will always lead you right back to me.
I only pay you compliments to get you to lower your guard. I need time. Time to fill your head with all the things you want to hear. I’ll never love you, but I will act like I do to get what I want from you.Deep down inside you know I’m wrong, but the words I say to you and my act are so good that you ignore your intuition, even when I slip up. Now I’ve got you right where I need you to be...Ignoring what you know is best for you and already making excuses for me."

Now ask yourself this:

1. Would I have got into a relationship with him if he had told me this from the beginning?

2. Would I leave him if he told me this whilst we are in a relationship?

3. What am I saying about my self-worth if I stay with him even after knowing this fact about him?

4. Am I willing to settle for less in a relationship because I want to settle down in marriage?

The answer is no freakin way! NO FUCK!!!!!!!!!!

A good woman's love is powerful. Some of you have a good woman and will never experience the true power of her love because your inconsistencies prevent her from being able to fully love you the way she wants to.

I’ve heard many women say they look forward to spending every moment they can with the man they love. That’s because they understand that those moments, if spent with the right man, have the potential of later becoming great memories.

"So, for the men reading this, don't be afraid to try something different: surprise her. It doesn’t have to be something big. In fact, the best memories are often made from the smaller things. Whatever you do, be consistent with your love and creative in how you show it._Mr Amari Soul

I am slowly coming to the sad realisation that I am with the wrong man and the longer I stay will in turn mean that I am settling and that I have marked down my self worth to 0%.

What is going to hurt me the most is not the fact that it’s actually over, but rather it’s that feeling that will sit in the pit of my stomach that I somehow knew he wasn’t right for me in the beginning and I still chose to waste my time with him anyway.

I love him, and i get the feeling his love for me is different to mine. 

I want what is best for me, and what is best for me, 


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