Alone in my Feelings

TEO

Do you really want to know?

I’ve been in and outs of everything to do and I don’t even want to show my deepest core.
I’m lost I’m scared I move so unprepared
My presence always there but my mind can’t take your stare.
No,I do not want to see you anymore!
No,I need to be alone with no remorse!

I just needed you to leave and close the door and don’t let anybody in so I can feel it on my own, because it is on my own that I will bloom.

I wanna know about life
Cause they don’t know about nothing, Not a thing no clue to what’s even true.
I’ve been questioning my life and the things I gotta do.

Beautiful quest I’m blessed but hella stressed because I’ve never been obsessed with seeing figures on the cheques.

Look at me right now, you tell me I’m your warmth, I’m scared as shit right now, 
I’ve been feeling insecure, I’ve been feeling open wounds
I just feel my life is ruined, think I realized it too soon.

I’m really just trusting myself and everyone in the world because everyone is the world and everyone is a world within them. I’m leanin for the vibe and enjoying your celebration of the rhyming when no one categorizes trying any individual finding themselves.

IF I COULD I WOULD...(part2)

Okay, so after a few weeks of not hearing from KTM, I decided to call him today. The rate of my heartbeat was fast enough to have me thinking i was going under cardiac arrest. The phone rang a few times before he picked up, then i heard his voice unsuspectingly greet me. I paused for a while in attempt to calm my nerves down before responding to his greeting. He recognised my voice and said "Tshogs" the pet name he uses to address me, but the tone in which he said it resembled relief, comfort and even peace. I then went to asking him how he was and he told me, then we carried on talking till my heart dropped when he asked me"what is the reasoning for your call" i was so shocked and for a minute went into dumb mode as i did not know how to respond to this.

"I just wanted to see how you are doing, cause the last time i saw you you were driving off from my house". He asked me why did I wait so long before calling him, and that his been contemplating seeing me again to discuss what had happened. He assured me that he is over the events that transpired and that his not one to hold a grudge.

In the back of my head I am asking myself, why didn't he call me seeing as his been waiting for my call.

He then told me that he received the email I sent him. incase you are wondering about the content of that email i suggest you read the post titled "IF I COULD I WOULD", yup i sent it to him. He commended me on how brave I am for sending him that and being so honest and further more went on to say how much of a talented writer I am.

Like WTF????????????????REALLY GUY?? That is far from the response i wanted, but oh well it is what it is. He apologised for not replying as he wanted to meet with me and discuss this in person, not only the email but the events leading upto it.

I told him that I did not write and send him that letter for him to respond so I am coll even if he doesn't respond to it, because in my heart I know that i cannot survive a face to face rejection.
Reason I say rejection is because he said that he is fine with the way things are and that he wants us to just move on forward from this point. Am I crazy or does that not sound like the symptoms of rejection to you, Hmmmmm???

See now, the part that pisses me off is that even after the phone conversation with him, I am still confused as to what is to become of us? Did he make it clear? Is it my fault for hanging before i could demand clarity? Should I wait that one day he will realise that It has been me all along??? WHAT MUST I DO??

I honestly do not know when I will see or even speak to him again, I think I need a distraction from this situation I am in with him, or I am in because of him. You must be confused just reading this hey? lol,

You know what, let me just stop it here. I swear i'm getting light headed just typing about it.
I put my feelings and thoughts into the universe, now I am just going to try and RELAX, LIVE LIFE, LAUGH and LOVE like my heart has never been hurt by Love.

Who am I kidding?? A second wont go by without me thinking of him #
SIGH

Will I Ever Be ENOUGH?

Sometimes it's not even about people, but myself.

I have moments of panic as each birthday approaches or I see a post about someone who has achieved something and my heart just drops!

I mean, here I am, a young vibrant and beautiful young lady who has been blessed with truckloads of talent and potential, yet I feel stuck! 

I have a lot of things that I want to venture in, but for some reason I can't seem to figure out where to start. I have a paralysing fear of starting something and only have it fail.

I have a great support system in place, beautiful people in my life who believe in me and obviously a handful of those who would kill to see me amount to nothing.

I am incomplete. Things never seem to go my way, or if they do they don't last. Now do you see how easy it is for me to see myself as the weak link causing the dominos to fall right in front of me?

Everything is tied to something, good or bad all the past events in my life have lead me to this point. I have been through so much in terms of love (or the lack of), family, friends and career. But don't get me wrong, I am not a victim, I am way too proud to be known as such.

I have fallen prey to so many men and their empty promises. I’ve been addicted to so many things that felt good in the moment and gave me some temporary satisfaction.

Why can’t I be the main girl in someone's life, why can’t I be the favourite grandchild? Why do I find out about trips on Facebook after the pictures have been uploaded?

Do you think I enjoy being the friend who always needs to be edited into someone's budget? Do you think I like not being able to buy my mom and grandmother a mother’s day present or the older sister who cannot afford to take her siblings out for a movie and ice-cream???????? 

Honestly I think my problems started when I created soul ties with emotionally unavailable men.

A soul tie is like a linkage in the soul realm between two people. It links their souls together, which can bring forth beneficial results and negative results, But in my case it is negative. Soul ties formed from sex outside of marriage causes a person to become defiled. This is why it is so common for a person to still have 'feelings' towards an ex-lover that they have no right to be attracted to in that way.

Four Indicators of Wrong Soul Ties

1. “I feel so confused.”

2. “I'm just miserable.”

3. “My mind is tormented.” 

4. “I didn't mean to disobey God…on purpose.”

If you feel like you have been dealing with a situation for far too long and nothing seems to help you get beyond it, remember this phrase: God will not advance your instructions beyond your last act of disobedience.

"Queen, you have Great Work to do. You have an assignment and you have people assigned to you. But until you commit to yourself, you cannot commit to them. Until you begin to focus on your own development, you can’t begin to do your Great Work in the world. “The Queen Code

I am old enough to know right from wrong, but I am just so sick and tired of doing what is right more so when it hasn't gotten me anywhere near where I want to be. I can’t seem to get a good man being myself so what must I do?? Be someone else and introduce the real me after the walk down the aisle?

Should I ignore my friends till I get a better job to afford to make payment to hang out with them?

Should I go as far as not visiting my grandparents till I have saved up enough money to renovate their kitchen? Tell me, someone, ANY DAM ONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

Please just tell me what to do, because I have knelt down before my father God and pleaded that he answers my prayers. Its either I am to messed up to hear his responses or he himself has given upon me. For pits sake even I am at the brink of giving up on me! 

But you know what?? I won’t do it, I refuse to give up.

So what if all the men in my life did not deem me worthy of sticking around for?

So what if the love I get is conditioned? HEK, so what if the only thing i have is my love for tobacco, music, fashion and writing. It's better than nothing. 

My life could be worse, I could be living under a bridge with mouldy bread to fill my empty soul and a skin infection to cloth me from the cold.

Now, with that said, 

Dear God if you hear me, please help me help myself and those around me. Show me a way to make proper use of the talents and opportunities you have given me. I may get lost, I might want to give up, but please put people in my life who will grab me by my weave and put me in the right direction. May I walk in your righteousness for righteousness is not my own, and forgive me if this prayer sounds the same to the last one I sent you. I am just impatiently awaiting your response

 AMEN!

---

How dare You!

This is my life, a set path I'm supposed to take, but a lot has happened along the way. 

If it wasn't this it was that. If it wasn't him it was her, if I wasn't employed id be a hoe. 

There’s just so many things I just can't seem to let go off. I am not at peace in my head, if It isn’t the kids it’s their daddy oh how I’m planning for them and their not yet born, but I see it, a comfy life, big ring and car seats, my own perfect family. But you opted out so the plan must change. How dare you, lead me so far in this train of thought only to not have me reach my destination, but I'll be damned if I lose myself to find you, change my dreams to keep you. I am Tempted to wait but I can’t lose time I can’t get back so middle finger up as I release you. I can’t do it, I won’t deprive myself of life’s infinite possibilities, I’m too grown for this, I need to stay focused, even when the walls are closing in I need to make it, I wanna tell my mama I made it, put her in a big house on the mountains, have her smile light up all the rooms and have her laugh vibrate the moon. How dare I even think of giving up, for people who dint think I was worth sticking around for? I say to you….black woman how dare you let yourself be a statistic for those who abused and used you, cherish you, love you. Because you are deserving of all that’s good let a positive mind guide you, it gets hard at times, with tears rolling down your eyes but keep your head high and take it one stiletto at a time

how dare you quit because that idiot left you with the kids

how dare you give up on your dreams because your father doesn't support you

how dare you hold on to a man who continues to hurt and break you

accept minimum wage cause you don’t think you qualify for the management post 

how dare you? HOW DARE I?

Now I’m getting pissed, for all the times I put you first when you weren’t deserving, I am tired of this. Going out of my way to do good by you, and I mean all of you. You took so much of me that I can’t bear to give anymore even to those who need me. But your treatment and judgement somehow strengthened me. I will go out to the world, with all my scars intact as their reminder that God heals. He healed even me and I’m grateful. I walk down the streets in my hood and have their heads turn to every move I make, I am proud of me. Thanks to the gentle hands of the women who helped raise me, I salute thee. They took me in, when I had eyes filled with rivers of tears for the struggles my mother endured to give me all I need and wanted. I hope she knows how much I love her. I don’t regret the acts of kindness I’ve showed you, I just needed you to say a simple thank you. But you too have stood by me, when I was half lover and half time bomb yet you accepted me, how can I repay thee?  Maybe with a sorry for I know it couldn’t have been easy dealing with an emotional mountain that is me, but still you climbed over me planting seeds that love does exist and that all isn’t bad in this world. Sooo I urge you, to continue and light up the smiles of the broken, love does heal so I dare you, to go out into the world as no1 other than yourself, and they will love you, just like I do

I dare you to keep your head up high to the stars named after you

I dare you to make full use of the talents the heavens gave you

I dare you to set the standard of how people should treat you

I dare you to cut all ties with the ones who are always pulling you down

I DARE YOU........

I AM A VIRGO WOMAN.

I’m sure some of you may laugh when you think of your Virgo friend as a "virgin".  If you have some preconceived notion that because her Sun Sign is represented by a virgin that they are some innocent white saint, you are totally mistaken.  Sorry to spoil your perfectly angelic view of them.  A Virgo woman has no problem leaving her boyfriend for a man that treats her with the respect she deserves, and has no problem having a child out of wedlock if the situation comes up.  That isn't very virginal now is it? 

Virgo girls won’t get fiery and heated about a topic of conversation, and they will also rarely get arrested for doing anything against the law.  I also highly doubt you will ever see one in a sparse outfit showing off all her goods.  However, this woman is a woman.  She will not cry or become desperate for attention if she has a few jabs thrown her way.  In relationships this woman is after love.  Not just any type of love; real love.  A Virgo woman who finds her current relationship imperfect will leave it for something better.  She will cut ties so precisely that there will be no error.   You see when a Virgo woman finds the one love that reigns supreme in her life that will mean more than a paper document any court can write up.  Word of advice to those who are dating one of these women; stay on point.  I am not trying to make this woman sound cold at all.  When in love, she is hot white and all of her intentions are pure.  She definitely has passion in her spirit. 

All Virgo women are perfectionists, this does that mean that they are perfect.  They have traits that can be a little hard at times. One of these traits that will make one a little nutty is that they truly believe that no one is able to do things as orderly and efficiently as they can. They are also very adamant about punctuality. If you are late to pick this woman up on a date, she won’t yell and scream but she will be fussy and maybe even tell you why it is so important to always be on time.  This is also not a woman you want to fight with.  Virgos are one of the most intelligent, Gemini is right there with them, signs in the zodiac AND they are a mutable sign.  They will talk you in circles.  It’s better just to agree and move on because you will probably lose with her anyways.  If you want to impress this woman I would also highly advise you practice your grammar and manners.  Don’t chew with your mouth open, or push corn on your fork with your finger (mom hated that one), and also watch your language.  Not to say that they don’t cuss, but these ladies are no sailors. 

She is one great critic.  Most of them love plays, concerts, and books but not the way most love them.  She loves them because she is able to critique them.  Being critical is as natural for her as breathing is for us.  They are always searching, analysing, detailed, and searching.  To most it sounds exhausting and a waste of energy, to them it entertains their quick minds.  Remember this though; she is just as critical on herself as she is on everything and everyone else.  One great thing about this trait of hers is that if she loves you she will do all of your worrying for you, and enjoy it.  These ladies hearts are a lot warmer than you may guess, they are not walking talking droids.  They may not advertise their warmth as much as some because they prefer to keep it controlled, but it is there.  Yes sometimes they are annoyingly nit-picky, but remember that her perfection is a virtue of hers, not a sin. 

Like all earth signs, this woman lives in reality. To her the truth is beautiful and she relishes in it.  She shares herself carefully and only with a select few.  The little things mean a lot to this woman.  Even though she tends to be shy, she is a wonderful friend to have in dark times.  Her sense of responsibility also acts like a stickiness that holds relationships, friendships, and family together.  They will keep a clean and cosy home that all will want to gather in.

As far as motherhood goes for these women; you will rarely see their children with a snotty nose, or a stain on their clothing, scuffs on their shoes, or tussled hair.  They are usually the disciplinarians with their children.   These women will rarely have more than two children because they do not feel like they complete her as being a woman.  She completes herself in that realm.  Their kids usually find them very funny and playful.  They will instil good habits, and have a tender touch. 

If you have a Virgo in your life, keep her around.  She will nurse you back to health when you are sick, make your bed every morning, she will dress neatly, never embarrass you, and be able to carry an intelligent conversation.  She won't throw out emotional scenes in public or spend your money unwisely.  Doesn't that sound totally worth keeping your nails clean and minding your Ps and Qs?  Whenever you feel frustrated, look into her cool pure eyes straight down into her heart that is filled with love and good intention, and you will understand that you want nothing more than to have her around.

Prison Break

okay, the past 4-5 months haven't been the best. I subjected myself to clinging on to a heart promised to someone else.Recently I have been chatting to this guy on facebook, shortly after I accepted  his friend request.


He seems like a nice guy, well so far he has been nothing but sweet although his english isn't so well written, but this is because he is of Russian origin. Did I mention he is Russian? lol I know right? oh well seeing as I have been suffering from the princess syndrome lately i was bound to fall onto the idea of having an international affair. after weeks of chatting he said he has something to tell me before we get deeper into our talks. Now you can imagine how nervous I am as I read this.
Few seconds after, he reveals to me that he is in prison! WTF?????????????? COME ON, NOT AGAIN. It seems as though I am a magnet for emotionally unavailable men and bad boys.
I then asked him what he is in for and with no hesitation he said "MURDER" now at this point I'm really freaked out.

On the real though, I guess I wasn't that freaked out because I am still chatting to him. I guess apart of me feels comfort in knowing that my problems are nothing compared to the problems of other unsuspecting souls and also because I can vent my frustrations to someone who is a total stranger and not judgemental.
I am at a point where i need someone to talk to and not worry about them rolling their eyes at me and giving me a condescending tone, because with my short temper, chances of me slapping the piss out of them are high.

He tells me that he has changed and that he is getting out of jail next year. I asked him what his plans are in terms of employment, but his not educated so the chances of him turning back to running the trap are high. I also found out that he is incarcerated around where i stay so I am very tempted to go visit him. Call me crazy if you must but i honestly do not care.
Me and this this guy whom I will refer to as "Dragon" are not so different. We are both in prison. I have been locked inside my own head with my cold thoughts for a while now and talking to Dragon has helped me set bits of myself free from the shackles of society.

Who am I not to give him a chance and hear him out? Shit, I have done some pretty messed up things that people are not aware of, I got lucky I didn't get caught. I have not killed a man but sin is sin in the eyes of the Almighty.  So I am going to keep chatting to him and see how far it goes.

And besides, he is pretty good looking. If he wasn't in jail I would probably be meeting him for drinks today after work. lol #Justsaying

I Know My Worth

See the thing about me is that I am a great woman. When I find the one love other than God that reigns supreme in my life that it will mean more than a paper document any court can write up. Yes sometimes I am annoyingly nit-picky, but he who is mine will just know that my perfection is a virtue, not a sin. I share myself carefully and only with a select few. The little things mean a lot to me, so he wouldn’t have to try too hard, but bear in mind that I will not play coaster to a half empty heart or waste my worth on a man that has a divided heart.

I will nurse him back to health when he is sick, make our bed every morning, I will dress neatly and make sure he doesn’t leave the house with his collar undone, I will never embarrass him, and I will carry an intelligent conversation and expect him to understand the days when I talk nonsense and don’t feel like Adulting. 

I promise I won't throw out emotional scenes in public or spend his money unwisely unless he gives me his credit card with no limit lol.

My yearning has me searching for the true meaning of love so that I don’t miss it when it comes. I know my worth and I will wait for that man, not a perfect man but a man after my own heart, a kind soul with the purest of intentions, someone who wants to begin to grow new whilst the ground is still fertile.

I just want a man who will know that if I give him windows to my walls, we’ve got a shot and that he will find that window sufficient enough to enter and reside in my heart.

It is just unfortunate that I haven’t had luck in this love ‘thing’, I always find myself in the arms of men who do not truly love me, they care for me yes, but just as they would for any girl they have in their lives. I have moments of panic when I wonder if my prince charming will ever find me or decide to settle for a more put together, less complicated princess. It hurts me knowing that my relationships never seem to work out, because as crazy as this might sound, sometimes I enter a deep state of doubt where I temporarily reside and ask myself whether their reasons for leaving where due to something I did wrong, or that I am not as great as I got myself to believe. 

Sometimes I am even tempted to engage in a relationship that is fleeting, only to not feel alone but to enjoy the warmth of a man I so deeply crave, but even that is not enough cause the chances of that man wanting to have meaningless sex with me as opposed to just holding me in his arms and falling asleep are zero to nun. Because I want a man who will cuddle with me, and if I fall asleep in his arms and he feels as though I belong there, he will not wake me, but whisper in my ear “I love you”.

As much as I am willing to wait, a part of me hopes it is not a long wait for I fear that the wait will get me questioning my morals and get me indulging in the ungodly pleasures listed in my soul as an attempt to fill this void I have that only true love can fill. I mean, why continue being as I am when clearly it hasn’t gotten me the love I so much deserve?

It’s crazy isn’t it? How the lack of just one thing can cause you to question a million other things you believe without a shadow of a doubt. I must say though how proud I am of myself for doubting my doubts, and that it is because deep down I know my worth but sometimes I just get so frustrated at how I can’t get that one thing I need the most.

Father God, I come to you whole heartedly, I come before you realizing that You know my thoughts, and even as I lift my prayer and praise before thee this very second, I am known of You. I thank You for forgiving my fleshly iniquity and my transgressions, for I know sin is designed to destroy, so I must capture my thoughts and align myself with Your Word to be the light you have called me to be. I praise you this day for your awesomeness, your omnipotence, your kindness, and your mercy and for the grace of which you have allowed my existence. I pray that you give me strength and patience above what I have now. Keep me intact and continue to mould me into your likeness until the time comes that you present me with the partner you see deserving of me. I pray that you do not make me lose sight of what I’m doing it for, do not let me waste my life away no matter how hard this journey will be on me. 

In the name of the father, the holy spirit and the all mighty Omega I pray..

AMEN!

I guess all I have to do now is wait upon the Lord and trust that if it is not here by now, it must be because I am not ready for it. I will trust that whoever strays from my path doesn’t not belong there and that they just not meant to be in my future.

One thing I know for sure is that someone out there is looking for exactly what I am, and will never try and undercut my value or question my worth, because ten years from now, I want to say that I CHOSE my life and that I didn’t settle for it.

“Love shouldn’t require Windex to be clear. It either is or it isn’t.”

Signed

T.M AYANA

The single woman

XO.XO

Unanswered Question

   

T

here is a magnitude of things that one needs in order to efficiently function under the category of “happy”. The basics are food, water, shelter, clothing and security, stated as Physiological needs and Security needs in Maslow’s Hierarchy.

I to need those things, but not as much as I need Love and belonging. According to Maslow, humans need to feel a sense of belonging and acceptance among their social groups, regardless whether these groups are large or small.Some examples of small social connections include family members, intimate partners, and confidants. Humans need to love and be loved – both sexually and non-sexually – by others.

Many people become susceptible to loneliness, social anxiety, and clinical depression in the absence of this love or belonging element. I have some what experienced it enough to know that I do not want to go on about my life without love from a significant other. This need for belonging may overcome the physiological and security needs. I honestly believe that with love in my life I can be one of the few to reach Self-actualization and further more Self-transcendence.

“The self only finds its actualization in giving itself to some higher goal outside oneself, in altruism and spirituality”- Maslow

See, now I've come to learn the hard way from many broken relationships and friendships that leaning on my own understanding will only get me so far, if not killed. I have only recently started casting my burdens unto the Lord, I cannot say for a fact that it is working but I do know that my heart is safest when it is held in his palms.

Proverbs 28:26 says that He who trusts in his own heart is a fool, but he who walks wisely will be delivered.

Jeremiah 17:9 “The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure. Who can understand it?”

I take it that from the heartache I've suffered from the hard hands and lying hearts of man that eventually resulted in flooded streams of tears from my eyes that I have been a fool to trust in my heart and the heart of another. I too am to blame as I should have known better than to trust anyone either than God with my precious possession.

Psalm 37:4 says “Delight yourself in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart”.

That Psalm 37:4 is not going to be easy, as the Lord himself knows how patiently impatient I am, more so when matters of the heart are concerned.

I am 22 years old and sometimes I bully myself into thinking how young I am to even think of committing myself at this age, but FUCK IT!

I am old enough to work, pay rent, sign contracts, watch X-rated movies and a moer load of other things. So yes!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am capable of being in a grown up relationship.

But I don’t want to be in a relationship with just anyone. There is one person in particular I would love to have and to hold, but his too messed up to see how good I can be for him. I think we grow up thinking the only love that counts as true love is the kind that lasts forever or is fully realized. When you have a broken heart, the first thing a stranger will ask is ‘how long were you two together?’ As if your pain can be determined by how long you were with someone. Or if you were with them at all. I don’t think that’s how it works, because I knew him for four months and heartbreak was equivalent to a four year relationship.

“Love does not obey our expectations; it obeys our intentions.” ~Lloyd Strom

To say that love hasn’t obeyed my expectations would be the understatement of the century.

I have not been lucky in love. I’ve been blessed with some amazing moments over the years, but somehow have managed to choose partners who did not want what I wanted, did not feel what I felt, and did not want to walk beside me into a future together.

This time I fell in love with a person before fully gotten to know them. By this point it’s too late, I’ve already stretched my heart for someone capable of bruising it. This is what love requires: utmost vulnerability and trust. Hopes and expectations rise along with the awareness that it can slip away, but damn me for holding onto him with a closed fist.

so the question that lingers in my head is "how much longer till i find a man who will love me till eternity?"